My 2nd Love

I've decided to continue writing about my love life. I recommend you read my previous blog titled "My 1st love" before reading this one. To keep things anonymous I will refer to her as "SS" and keep specifics somewhat vague.

It was early march, 1997 and I was sixteen if I remember correctly. I was going through a phase in my life where every girl seemed to want me. I had my own car and my own place and something about that drove girls nuts. I was young, attractive, confident, and independent. I remember dating and sleeping with several girls all the time. But the girls came and went and I longed for a steady relationship. I remember meeting SS in a local night club. She was one of my younger sisters friends at the time. A few friends, myself, my younger sisters, and SS all shared a ride there. I remember dancing with her at the night club but honestly I didn't know how to dance. I faked it through one song for her, being how she seemed to like dancing, but I had no idea what I was doing. We talked for brief moments as the night grew on and I found myself strongly attracted to her. She was beautiful. Long brown hair, cocoa brown skin, deep brown eyes that seemed to pull you in as you talked to her. She was very girly which is really a turn on for me. I love it when a girl looks nice, smells nice, and goes out of her way everyday to do her hair and make-up just to look good, even if she has nothing planned for that day. Eventually as the time passed that night I remember her inviting my sisters and me to her fifteenth birthday party just a few days away. I told her I'd be there.

I don't remember much about her birthday party but I do remember her house. It was massive and very nice. One of the nicest houses I've ever been in. I remember meeting her mom. She had this funny accent that always made me giggle inside every time she spoke. I talked to SS here and there about whatever crossed my mind and I eventually started casually hitting on her. I was very attracted to her and I sensed she was attracted to me as well and judging from her eyes, body language, and tone of voice, she didn't seem uncomfortable with any of my advances. I was shy for some reason and I wanted to ask SS for her phone number. I remember getting the courage after we were alone to ask for it, she smiled and gave it to me. That was I big step for me. Once i got a girls number back in those days it was all over. I was very smooth and I had this deep sexy phone voice that seemed to drive girls nuts. On the phone I always seemed to say the right things at the right time. We talked for hours at a time over the phone and I eventually asked her out.

On our first date I took her to a really nice local Spanish restaurant. We sat near the fireplace and talked quietly over dinner. I could tell this wasn't the kind of date she was accustomed to. She seemed shy and somewhat nervous but she hid it very well. We seemed to click on every level and I feel as if we were very lucky to have found each other. As the date ended I drove her home and as we pulled up to her house I leaned in and kissed her. It was nice and I knew that this was going to be the start of something special.

The following few days after that first date were nice. We talked on the phone, went on more dates, and made out alot. I think after our fifth day together we had sex. It was amazing. I was very experienced with sex by this point in my life and she seemed to be as well. Over the course of our relationship no matter what we were going through in our lives or where we were in our relationship we always had great sex. Truly amazing sex. The kind of sex that most people only dream of having. We did the dirtiest things in the most random of places. It was very good and often as well, on average about 3-5 times a day. I still think to this day, after many years and several women, she is one of, or is, the greatest I've ever had in bed.

One night, about a month into our relationship, I was dropping SS off at her house. As we sat in my car she told me she had something to tell me but she wasn't sure if she should. I thought she wanted to tell me that she loved me and I wanted to tell her the same but I wasn't sure if I was right in my assumption. For all I knew she was going to tell me she was pregnant. I had always expressed mixed feelings of love to her. Having experienced it myself and knowing how great and wonderful it can be, I also remember how painful it was. It's strange how nothing else I've ever experienced has made me feel so good and yet so bad. I told SS early on in our relationship that if she ever told me she loved me that she'd better know what love was, she'd better know what she was saying, and she'd better mean it. After a few minutes of hinting and hesitation she told me she loved me and I told her I loved her as well. There was no going back after this point and I knew that eventually our love would blossom into something truly special.

That next year for valentines day I knew I had to do something really special for her, but I was low on cash. I was starting a long downward spiral into financial trouble at the time. I was staying at my fathers house, just the two of us, and the house was always a mess. My father was never there, he spent all his time at my mothers house, and I spent all of my time with SS. It was Feb. 13 1998 and I took an entire day off from SS and started planning a nice romantic dinner at my house for her. It took me the majority of the day to clean that filthy house and do some minor repairs but I managed to pull it off. I remember while I was taking some stuff into the basement I found a very old dusty bottle of wine. I was shocked to find it because no one in my family ever drank wine and I was very curious why it was there. It was a very fortunate find being that I was planning to serve wine with the dinner. After an eternity of cleaning and repairs I finally got that house looking decent for my plans with SS the following day. That following valentines day morning I started cooking. I didn't know how to cook very many dishes at the time but I managed to create a masterpiece. It was a chicken stir fry with an Asian glaze and white rice if I remember correctly. I pulled out the good china and set the table. I covered the table with rose petals. I paid alot of attention to detail making sure that all the flatware matched and timing the candles so that I knew if I lit them and then left to pick her up that they would still be burning when I got back and continue burning throughout the course of the meal. On my way to pick her up later that evening I made a few stops along the way, getting her a single red rose, a greeting card, and a snickers candy bar. I've always thought that a single rose was more meaningful than an entire dozen and a snickers is always better than a box of chocolates. Chocolates are always to much of a gamble. Some of them are good but most of them are nasty, and there's no telling whats inside the chocolates so you have to eat them at your own risk. I picked her up, gave her my small tokens of love, and told her I had a surprise for her. I remember blindfolding her, as not to ruin my little surprise, and we set off. I held her hand, walked her up into my house, and removed her blindfold. She was shocked to say the least. I don't think anyone had ever done anything so romantic for her in her life. We sat and ate while gazing into each others eyes through the dim candle light. I remember how the candle light seemed to dance in her eyes like a child dancing in the rain.

Later that year, early in July 1998, a little over a year into our relationship, SS, her mother and one of her mother's friends Lucy Invited me to Steamboat Springs for the fourth of July weekend. I accepted and we set off. It was a long drive. SS and I just made out for the entire trip in the back seat. When we got there we ate at a local restaurant and I think SS's mother was impressed at my good manners and proper table etiquette. Later that evening we all went to a natural hot spring in the area where clothing was optional after dark. We swam for a few hours and eventually many people started taking off their swimsuits. It was dark and I couldn't really see well but I do have to admit SS's mother and her mother's friend had fantastic racks for women their ages. Eventually SS and found a secluded area in the swimming area and had sex in the water. Later that evening we returned to the cabin where we were staying and SS's mother retired for the evening due to neck pain. Lucy, SS and I found a sauna and we sat in the steam for a while. After about thirty minutes Lucy retired for the evening and SS and I once again had sex right there in the sauna. That following day it was the Fourth of July and we all went into town to see the sights. We eventually got on a gondola ride and rode up the mountain. After we got to the top and all enjoyed the view we started the descent in different gondola cars. SS and I had sex on the way down being how the cars were all somewhat private. We always seemed to find places to have sex. When it came to our sex life we were like bunnys on crack that just got out of prison. Later that evening we went to a park and settled down on a few blankets to watch the fire works. Eventually the fireworks began and I remember looking at them in the reflection of SS's deep brown eyes. I felt a strange tingling sensation all throughout my body. It's very hard to describe what I felt. It was like feeling a million different emotions all at once. Sadness, joy, pain, and happiness were all there but I remember one that stood out in particular.... Love. I asked her "do you feel that?" and she said "yes" I knew right there, at the one single moment in time, that I was truly in love with her, and I would love her for the rest of my life.

That following year on the fourth of July I knew I had to do something really special for her. She came over to my house late in the afternoon. I still remember what she was wearing.  A white spagetti strap half shirt with a white bra, a long black skirt with slits down each side, sexy black lace panties, a black garter belt with black thigh high stalkings, black heels, and vanilla scented perfume. I gave her a greeting card, single red rose, and a snickers bar.  I let her believe that was all I had planned for the day. I could tell she was upset, but she hid it from me. I don't know why she didn't express her feelings of disappointment to me. I think it's like getting a crappy gift from someone. You don't want them to know their gift was bad out of fear of hurting their feelings. As the day grew on and the sky grew dark I told her that we should climb up on top of the roof to get a better view of the fireworks. I followed her up to the rooftop where I had set up a nice romantic candle light dinner for the two of us. I spent most of the morning cooking and hauling a table up on top of my flat rooftop. There was wine, candles, and food. It was very sudden and unexpected and I remember she was shocked at my romantic suprise. After we ate, we moved onto a blanket I had laid out and we made love right there on the rooftop while the fireworks were bursting into the night sky.  Since that night every time I see fireworks my thoughts always drift back to her.

Like I said before love is two sided. Along with all the good times we had together we also had bad times. I blame myself for most of them. I am a broken man from a broken past and I never wanted SS to find that out. It started out with little white lies at first. I never wanted SS to find out who I really was or where I came from. Every time she asked about my past I just made something up and stuck with it. A mans past shouldn't effect his present or his future. This was my first mistake. Any good relationship should be based on trust and I surrounded my self with this shell filled with lies. SS wasn't perfect herself and had similar troubles in her past that were all covered with lies. There was also infidelity. I cheated on here twice early on in our relationship and once a little later into it. I can't really say why I did it but I do remember a feeling of being wanted by someone else and I liked that feeling. I guess I just wanted to know that I still had that boyish charm and that I could still get any girl I wanted. She eventually found out about my infidelity roughly two years into our relationship and broke up with me. I was devastated at first, but I tried to hide how I felt for some reason. A few days after the break up she called me. I said I was sorry and from that point on it seemed like "sorry" was every other word out of my mouth. She just couldn't seem let it go and it drove me nuts. She came over after that phone call and after a long heartfelt conversation we made up and had sex. I promised her that I would never cheat on her again and it was a promise that I kept. We were back together at that point but everything seemed so different. Our relation seemed so dull and lifeless from that point on. I later found out that due to the lack of trust in our relationship it would eventually lead to its destruction.

We were together off and on over the course of the next year or so. We broke up about once a month, usually over the most stupid of things, usually something trust related, but we always got back together. I was really struggling with finances at that point, and after hanging out with "the wrong crowd" of people, I turned to crime for help. My life seemed to be going nowhere at the time and that didn't help with my relationship with SS. It seemed like nothing I could do could ever fix our relationship. I myself was struggling with my own problems at the time, and my roller coaster of feelings with SS just seemed to get in the way and bring me down even farther. One would think I would just cut my losses and get her out of my life for good, but I loved her, and I didn't want to give that up.

It was late Spring 2000 when we finally broke up for good. It was during one of our longer periods of time apart, a few months I believe, and I was struggling to get my life together. I was living alone with my dad and I was trying to get back into the whole dating scene. For the first time in a while I felt as if I was on the right track. I had pretty much given up on our relationship at this point. Nothing I could ever do would ever fix it. Then, out of nowhere, she had called me. We talked about our relationship, the good times and the bad. She had mentioned something about getting into a fight with her mother and asked if she could spend the night at my place. I told her it would be alright and she came over. We had sex that night and I must admit, It was way better than most of the girls I was sleeping with recently. I felt all those feelings I thought were gone forever starting to surface again. As we lay there on my bed I asked her if she had ever cheated on me. She said she did 3 times and explained them to me. Two of them were early on in our relationship and one later in our relationship... With my best friend. It was devastating to find this out after so long, after all the lies, but I forgave her. I guess it was because I didn't want to put her through what I had gone through when she found out I had cheated on her. It was very annoying to apologize and be forgiven over and over for the same thing and each time it seemed to mean nothing. She left early that next morning and it gave me time to think about how I really felt. I was angry, very angry. I thought I was the bad guy this whole time when it turned out she was even worse. She had cheated on me, and lied about it even longer than I had, and it was with my best friend just to make things worse. Later that day she called me. She was crying on the phone and I knew she just wanted someone to tell her everything was going to be alright. This was common for her, whenever she was feeling sad, she wanted me to sympathize with her. But what about my feelings. What about my pain. I was so sick of caring about her feelings and putting her needs before my own in hopes that it would bring us closer together and help mend our relationship. I was sick of everything. I don't even remember why she was crying but I knew whatever it was I didn't want to hear it. I just blew her off and told her never to call me again.

A few years had gone by and I was in a new relationship when I finally heard from her again. I think we had enough time to heal and I met up with her at a local restaurant for dinner. She was married now and doing very well for herself. We talked for a few hours catching up and exchanging pleasantries. She seemed at peace with everything that happened between us and so was I.

A few years later I went through the most devastating event in my life so far and for some reason I thought about SS. I wanted to see her again. I knew deep down, she was the only person in my life that knew me well enough, that could help me with what I was going through. She invited me to her and her new husbands house for dinner. We talked for a few hours and she helped me more than I thought she could. We made plans to go out for drinks a few days later but she called me and canceled. She said she was still attracted to me and it would be best if we didn't see each other anymore. I didn't want in any way to hurt her marriage. Damn my boyish charm. That was the last time I ever saw her.

It's very hard to put into words what we went though over the course of our relationship and I'm sure I've left many things out due to my terrible memory. But the lessons I've learned in life and love throughout the course of our relationship will stay with me always.